Caring Too Much
by Insanetrouble
Summary: "I killed people in cold blood to protect you, Joan." - Based off of the promo for 5x08.


**_Hi everyone! This is based off the promo for 5x08, so tell me what you think?! X_**

"It's time we talk about your heart condition." Calder stated blankly. Annie felt her whole body freeze.

"What?" She choked out.

"We know everything Walker. Hayley Price found out about all of it, from Eyal Levin to your cash only transactions at different pharmacies around the city. Do you have any idea what kind of danger you put not only yourself but everyone else in too?!" Calder demanded.

"I have it under control!" Annie argued back, regaining some of her thought processes.

"That's not the point Annie!" Joan yelled. "You've been lying to us all for weeks! We placed a lot of trust in you... and you turned around and threw it back in our faces."

"What was I supposed to do, Joan? The agency would have turned their back on me in a heartbeat, and you know it!"

Annie could literally feel her world falling apart around her, and Eyal's words from before came back to her- he was right (as infuriating as it was). This secret made her far more vulnerable.

"You put the lives of every person you've worked with in the field in danger! What if you'd had an episode while in the field?" Joan questioned angrily, realising too late that she was making this sound far too personal. It was, she supposed, but she couldn't show that. Annie fought to hide the guilty expression on her face at her words. "You owe everything to this agency and you repay that by lying to us over and over again?"

"I owe this agency!?" Annie narrowed her eyes furiously, shooting to her feet. "The agency is the whole reason I'm in this mess! Lena's bullet did this to me! I've been shot, tortured, stabbed, poisoned and drugged, held captive in a Russian prison, been in too many car crashes to count, had broken ribs and fractured bones, faked my own death, played with emotions and tortured people for this agency! I killed people in cold blood to protect you and this agency, Joan. I risked being charged with treason, I gave up everything and everyone I loved! So don't you dare tell me I owe this agency."

Annie was breathing heavily, but as she stared at the two people in front of her she realised nothing she said would make the slightest bit of difference to the way they were both looking at her right now. She shook her head slightly, turning and walking towards the door.

"We're not finished here, Walker!" Calder called. She paused, looking back at them without actually turning around.

"Yes we are. We all know how this plays out." She said flatly. "It's over."

She walked out, striding confidently though the corridors for what she was sure was the last time. At the end of one she caught sight of Hayley Price watching her. She didn't slow, instead raising her hand and saluting her mockingly, pulling the hair tie from her hair and letting it rest on her shoulders as she made her way through security and finally climbing into her car.

She would not break down here, she thought resolutely. She wouldn't give them that satisfaction.

She drove home with shaking hands, methodically going through the motions of parking, locking the door and changing her clothes. It was when she pulled her blouse off, dropping it to the floor and turning towards the bed to grab her shirt that she caught sight of herself in the mirror and felt a wave of emotion hit her, choking her. With a trembling hand, she gently traced around the scars on her chest, feeling tears well as her knees gave out and she crashed to the floor, giving a broken sob as she did so. She let out a wordless scream, grabbing the first thing from her bedside table- which was a glass, previously filled with water- and hurled it against the wall before she curled her knees into her chest and let the tears flow freely.

* * *

Joan paced up and down her office, snapping at anyone who came near her. Eventually, word must have gotten around because the only person who dared even peek their head in was her assistant and that was because she had to. She ran her fingers through her hair, recalling not only the confrontation with Annie but the subsequent one with Auggie too.

_"Annie couldn't have kept her secret hidden without your help." Joan stated quietly, wary of the penchant for gossip around the agency. Auggie looked faintly guilty, then simply turned to her coolly._

_"I have no idea what you're talking about. Now if you'd excuse me." He'd walked off, stopping only when Joan called after him._

_"I'm still your boss, Auggie! Now what the hell is your problem? I didn't do this and Annie doesn't need any more secrets!" She hissed in a low voice. Anger flashed across is face._

_"No, you're right. What she needs is people to fight for her. I'd hoped those people would be us but I was apparently wrong. Just ask yourself one thing Joan- can you really live with yourself if you turn your back on the person who effectively died to protect you and your family?"_

_Auggie walked away without another word leaving Joan stunned- he'd had never spoken to her like that before._

Which had led to the current situation. She rested her head in her hands, torn between doing what she knew was right for Annie physically and doing what she knew was right for her emotionally.

_I killed people in cold blood to protect you._

The words haunted Joan. Did Annie really feel as if everything that had happened was Joan's fault? She realised then she'd never really thanked Annie for what'd she'd done to bring down Henry Wilcox- she'd complimented her, of course, and praised her but thanking her? It had simply never come up.

She barely noticed when the people working below began to trickle out home until she suddenly realised she was sitting in near darkness, the only one left in the department. She glanced at the clock- it was just after eight. Early enough, she supposed, grabbing her keys and coat and driving to Annie's flat. She knocked sharply, hearing the faint sounds of music from inside. There was a thump, then footsteps before Annie slid the door open, looking at her for a long moment.

"If you want coherent conversation I'm afraid you're about five shots too late." She stated emotionlessly, walking back into the room and leaving the door open for Joan, who followed her in with a frown. She immediately spotted the bottle of vodka on the side, and to be honest was impressed Annie was as coherent as she was.

Annie downed another shot, bringing a knee up to her chest as her other leg swung slightly. "What are you doing here, Joan?"

"Trying to understand." Joan answered after a moments thought, realising she didn't really know. Annie gave a harsh laugh.

"I would have thought you'd have given up trying to understand me years ago." She refilled her glass and gulped it down, not even wincing at the burn Joan was sure must have hit her. "I would offer you one, but you have a baby at home."

There was a moments pause. "How could you have been so goddamn stupid?" Joan whispered without really thinking. Annie looked at her.

'What the hell do you care?" She made to drink another shot but Joan knocked it from her hand, sending the glass skidding across the counter. Annie scowled. "Hey! I was enjoying that!"

"Are you even supposed to be drinking?" Joan questioned. Annie shrugged. Joan clamped down on her frustration, leaning forward to cup Annie's face gently to try to capture her attention. "You could have died. Is that getting through to you? You could have died, Annie, we could have lost you all over again! Tell me you understand why that is a big deal."

Annie looked at her uncomprehendingly. "Why do you care?" She repeated. Joan sighed exhaustedly, rapidly realising they weren't going to have this talk tonight.

"You're drunk- I'm not having this conversation until you're sober." Joan grabbed the bottle of vodka and tipped it down the sink, watching its contents glug out the bottle. Annie made to grab it, fumbling and almost losing her balance.

"Joan! Give it back!" She protested, slurring her words slightly. Joan ignored her, placing the empty bottle in the bin before turning back to the younger blonde and gently wrapping an arm around her waist. "Come on."

She carefully guided Annie to the bedroom, raising an eyebrow at the shattered glass littering the floor. Annie sat on the edge of the bed. "Why are you doing this? You don't care about what I'm doing- You're ruining my life. Why the hell are you bothered whether I get drunk or not?"

"Oh Annie." Joan murmured, gently brushing a lock of hair back from her face. She debated her next words but Annie was so drunk, she reflected, she would likely not remember this in the morning. "Don't you see that the problem is I care too much? I can't... You... I have to be objective. My job _requires_ that I make difficult calls about my operatives; do you have any idea how difficult it is to do that when you care about someone? Auggie... Auggie I can protect instantly. But you... If anyone saw that I was treating you differently you'd be transferred out in an instant. _Everything_ I do... _Has_ to be behind the scenes. But I care Annie, never doubt that."

Joan blushed at what she'd revealed and stood, coaxing a silent Annie to lie down under the covers. "Sleep Annie." She encouraged before busying herself with clearing up the glass that littered the floor and disposing of it. She glanced at Annie who was sleeping restlessly, shifting and whimpering in her sleep. Joan grabbed a glass of water and some painkillers, leaving them close to the woman for the morning before crossing the room and shushing her, running her fingers though her hair soothingly. She settled, and Joan let herself out with a small smile, closing the door quietly behind her.

One sleepless night later, Joan was exhausted and dreading the day ahead. There was no way she could save Annie, not this time.

"Joan, honey? This was on the doorstep for you." Arthur called. Joan descended the stairs with Mackenzie on her hip, frowning as she saw him holding a glass vase with a single flower threaded into it.

"Who's it from?" she asked, passing Mackenzie over and taking it. Arthur shrugged.

"There's an envelope on the side. I think it's a pear blossom… someone likes you." He commented.

"What?" she looked at him quizzically.

"A pear blossom means lasting friendship." He explained. She looked at him in surprise. "What? I know stuff!" he defended.

She opened the letter, frowning as she recognised the handwriting.

_Dear Joan_

_Firstly, thank you for last night. I've been told I'm not particularly pleasant to be around when I'm drunk so I'm sorry you had to deal with that._

_Secondly, I'm so sorry for lying to you. I was just trying to live, Joan, I never meant to betray any of you. And just so you know, everything I've done has been because I wanted to. Not because I thought I had to. _

_And thirdly, thank you so much. For everything. I couldn't have asked for a better boss, even when we were arguing and I was disobeying you (sorry about that too…). I am honoured to have worked under you for these past years. _

_If you hadn't worked it out already, I'm leaving. I'm not sure where I'm going yet- I'll figure it out when I get there. Just do me a favour… if you ever catch the person behind the Chicago attack, give him a black eye for me?_

_Goodbye Joan._

_Annie X_

Joan felt her heart sink as she read the letter. "Joan?" questioned Arthur. She looked at him.

"She's leaving."

"Who's leaving?"

"Annie." Joan sank to sit on the stairs, every instinct in her screaming for her to go after the younger blonde. She quickly dialled Auggie's number, explaining what had happened.

"_I know_." Auggie answered calmly. "_She came to find me this morning._"

Joan was stunned. "You're just going to let her go?"

"_We don't have a choice. Annie makes her own decisions._"

"We might never see her again. And you're ok with that?" Joan demanded. Auggie was silent for a moment.

"_Are you?_" he quizzed.

"No. No, I'm not. And I don't understand why you are."

"_I'm not. If I go after her Joan, it won't mean much. She knows I don't want her to go. But if you went after her…_"

"Where is she?" Joan asked instantly. On the other end of the line, Auggie smiled.

"_The airport. Hurry Joan._" He hung up and she rushed to the car, hurriedly kissing Arthur and Mackenzie on the way out. She drove to the airport, dodging the crowds the best she could and searching for the tell tale flash of blonde hair.

"Annie!" she called. She turned, astonishment written on her face.

"Joan? What are you doing here?"

"Stopping you from leaving." Joan answered, breathing heavily from her rush through the airport. Annie shook her head.

"Joan-" she began but the older woman interrupted her.

"You're the best operative the agency has. They won't just throw you out Annie, you won't just be abandoned." She saw Annie's face and sighed, dropping the spiel. "Please Annie. We don't want to lose you- _I _don't want to lose you."

Annie still looked unconvinced. "I know you remember what I said last night. You weren't _that_ drunk." Joan said softly. She didn't even have to hear Annie's answer- for a spy, the woman had a very open face. "I meant it Annie, I don't say things I don't mean. Please, just don't leave."

Annie bit her lip but before she could answer Joan's phone rang. "It's Calder." Joan told her after she checked it.

"You should answer it."

Joan did so, listening intently to what the man on the other end of the line said. "He wants us to meet him at Langley." She looked at Annie, who nodded slowly.

"I'll come." She whispered. Joan smiled, telling Calder they'd be there soon before driving Annie to the agency, glaring at the security guard who opened his mouth to stop them. They walked up to Calder's office and Joan knocked, glancing at a visibly nervous Annie as she did so.

_I killed people in cold blood to protect you._

Joan hoped she wouldn't have to go that far, but she was sure she'd come pretty damn close. She heard Calder invite them in, and with a single squeeze of Annie's hand, opened the door.


End file.
